


Local Customs

by Mireille



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-03
Updated: 2005-07-03
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8173013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mireille/pseuds/Mireille
Summary: It's always best to check out the local customs.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for doyle_sb4 for the 2005 Rose Tyler ficathon. 
> 
> This fic is listed as gen, but it has Jack Harkness in it. It's as gen as fic with Jack Harkness in it can get, let's put it that way.

"I still don't see why we couldn't have stayed there just another few hours," Jack said, struggling with the zipper of the huge anorak he and Rose had found in the TARDIS wardrobe. "You heard that Grand Vizier. We'd have been worshiped as gods."

The Doctor shook his head. "And nothing _ever_ goes wrong with trusting Grand Viziers? I'd think you'd been around enough to know better than that." 

Jack frowned. "Good point. Still, you can't blame me for hoping this time it'd work out. He was promising a retinue of nubile young virgins--hey, stop that!" 

Rose, who'd just smacked him on the arm, grinned. 

"Changing to a subject that won't get me slapped, have we landed yet?" Jack said, leaning over and trying to see the readout on the TARDIS console while Rose zipped up her own anorak. The Doctor had told them they'd want to dress warmly, so she'd dug out her heaviest jumper from her own clothes, and then added a anorak, hat, scarf, and gloves from the wardrobe room. Of course, inside the console room, she was roasting, but she wasn't about to admit that, not while the Doctor still hadn't put on the coat she'd brought out for him. 

"Just about," the Doctor said. "Should be materializing right about… now," he added, as the TARDIS lurched and Rose was forced to grab the edge of the console for support. If she tipped over wearing all this lot, she might never get up again, and she wouldn't put it past the two of them to leave her there for a while. 

"And _where_ is this again?" Rose asked when the TARDIS had set them down and she wasn't in danger of falling any more. 

"Place called--" the Doctor said, following it with something incomprehensible that sounded like he was trying to stifle a sneeze.

"And that's a word, is it?" 

"Well, it is in their language," he said, grinning.

"You're making this up," she said. "He's making it up," she repeated, turning to Jack for confirmation. 

"No, it's a real planet." He repeated the name, and even with an American accent, it still sounded like someone sneezing. 

"You're _both_ making it up," Rose muttered. Honestly, men. The Doctor was bad enough on his own, but when he and Jack both got started, they were ridiculous. "Go on, then, Doctor, get ready so we can get out there and see... this planet." 

"I'm ready," he said, still looking at the TARDIS readouts. 

"I thought you said we needed to dress warmly?"

"You did." He grinned. "I'm made of sterner stuff than you humans. I don't feel the cold as much." 

"You're going to be stealing my scarf after five minutes, aren't you?" 

If anything, the grin got even broader. "It's a possibility." Then he looked down again, shaking his head. "That can't be right," he muttered, thumping the console and peering down at the dial.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked, looking over his shoulder again. Rose shook her head. Jack didn't understand any more than she did about how the TARDIS worked, fifty-first century time-traveler or not. 

"There shouldn't be this much background radiation," he said, looking at another dial. "And it's localized, too."

Jack frowned. "That's not good." 

"No. There's something right--" The Doctor put up what looked like some kind of map on the viewscreen, going over to it and pointing. "Right there, more or less, and it's leaking radiation like mad."

"So we go there first, find out what's happening and stop it?" Rose said. 

"Too far to walk. It's at least five kilometers from here. By the time we got there, it could be too late, depending on what's going on. We'll have to take the TARDIS," he said, already starting the dematerialization.

The next several minutes were a frenzy of activity in Rose's mind: the TARDIS had materialized in exactly the right place, just outside a control room filled with panicking scientists wearing blue tunics that reminded Rose of high-necked lab coats, and the Doctor had gone out, barged into the room, and started readjusting controls on a huge computer bank--at least, Rose guessed that was what it was; it looked like a science-fictiony sort of computer, at least--before anyone had actually registered that yes, three aliens had just come in and started messing about with things. Well, one of them had. Rose was looking at the aliens. The actual aliens, not them. 

They were mostly humanoid, though their skin was grayish-blue, their hair was a weird pale color, and their features were far too narrow and angular to pass for human, and if they were put together the way humans were, they were all apparently female. 

"Who are you?" one of the women said; she looked like she was in charge--at least, she had a clipboard, which was usually a good clue. The Doctor could tell her that the rest of the universe wasn't like Earth, but bossy people with clipboards seemed to be universal.

"I'm the Doctor," he said, not looking over his shoulder. "That's Rose and Jack. We're here to help. You do know this--what is this, anyway?" 

"Waste recycling plant."

"Well, this waste recycling plant is leaking radiation. What _kind_ of waste?" he added, as an afterthought. 

"Industrial by-products. Look, you shouldn't be in here--" She broke off as Jack held out his psychic paper. Rose decided she really needed to get her hands on some of that, just in case she ever had to bluff her way out of something on her own.

"Here's our authorization. We're here to help," he repeated, tucking the paper back in his pocket. 

"Director," one of the other women said, "the intruder _is_ right. Radiation levels have increased by seventy-three percent in the last hour."

"Told you," the Doctor said. "Rose, come here and hold this." He held out the sonic screwdriver. "I need to keep it aimed at this bolt here, and I don't have a third hand."

"That's the emergency access to the power supply!" the Director said. 

"It's an emergency," he countered. 

"Another eight percent increase," the same lab tech reported. 

"Rose?" 

Rose hurried over, taking the screwdriver from the Doctor and keeping it pointed the way he turned it. 

"Get security," the Director said to one of the technicians. "I don't care what his identification said; it's _obvious_ they aren't from the head office. They're off-worlders." 

"Of course we are," Jack lied smoothly, holding out the paper again. "Off-world safety and maintenance experts, see?" 

One of the technicians took the paper. "It does seem to be in order," she said, doubtfully.

"Well, they might have told us," another grumbled. 

"Now up to ninety-seven percent increase from normal levels, Director."

The Director swore under her breath. At least Rose was pretty sure it was swearing. The TARDIS translator circuits could be fairly literal with the more colorful expressions in alien languages, but somehow, that tone of voice combined with the words "…bucket of rotting fish…" sounded like swearing to her. 

"We can help," Jack said, in his most charming tone, which Rose figured had a good chance of working on anything roughly humanoid. It had worked on some things that weren't, after all. "The Doctor knows what he's doing." 

Rose looked over at the Doctor, who was frantically flicking switches and pressing buttons, and she hoped Jack was right. She wasn't altogether sure that he was, although you never could tell with the Doctor. 

"A hundred and seven percent," the technician reported, and the Director frowned. 

"Tell Security to stand down," she snapped, going over to the console the Doctor was working at. "This shouldn't be happening," she said. 

"You'd be surprised how many things that shouldn't happen, do," he said. "How d'you do. I'm the Doctor."

"Director Sherra," she said. "What are you doing? There are emergency overrides--"

"And they've been overridden!" He turned back to Rose. "Is that bolt off yet?"

"Just about," she said, just as she watched the bolt give way. "There." The Doctor pushed past her, pulling the panel off and taking the screwdriver from her. Rose stepped back to let him work. There was absolutely no point in trying to help him; she'd seen him when he got like this. He'd just mutter something about apes and tread on her toes instead of asking her to get out of his way. 

The Director didn't have the benefit of Rose's experience, though, and she leaned over the Doctor's shoulders, watching him. "You're going to incapacitate the entire system," she said. 

"That's the plan," he said, and she frowned. 

"You're sure you're from the head office?"

"That's what our ID says," Rose cut in. "You all saw it." And there were at least two technicians who wouldn't be questioning it, she thought, because Jack had drawn them both over to one side. She couldn't hear what he was saying, but he still seemed to have the charm turned up to the maximum, so he'd be occupied for a while. 

"Right." The Doctor put the sonic screwdriver back in his pocket, grinning at Sherra and Rose. "I'm not an expert--"

"He said you were maintenance experts," Sherra interrupted, suspiciously, nodding toward Jack.

"Not an expert on this particular system, he meant, didn't you, Doctor?" Rose said.

"Exactly. As I was saying, I'm not an expert, but it looks to me like the override circuits were deliberately disengaged. Can you think of anybody who'd want to close this place down?" When she didn't answer right away, he added, "Or any local megalomaniacs who might want to turn the immediate area into a wasteland. Either way." 

Sherra turned to one of the women Jack had been flirting with. "Haaken, get plant security on this. And stay on top of things; they'll never tell us anything if we leave it up to them."

"Of course, Director," she replied, reluctantly turning away to go.

"And don't let them touch anything unless they absolutely have to. We'll have enough repair work as it is."

"I'll do my best. You know what they're like."

She scowled. "Unfortunately. Bahr, what are the output levels like now?"

"Falling rapidly," she reported. "At this rate, they'll be back to normal in ten minutes or so."

"And now that's settled, we should be going. Rose, want to drag Jack away from whoever he's found so fascinating?"

"I thought we were going to look around? You promised us we could spend some time somewhere other than Earth," she said. 

"I didn't mean in a waste recycling plant," he said. "They're not really that interesting. Especially when they're not working." 

"It'll be operational again soon enough," Sherra said firmly. "Once Security's out of the way, we'll be able to get things up and running." She looked at the other technicians. "It'll be late-shift before they're done, I'm sure. You may as well go on home." When they hesitated, she added, " _Paid_ time off. I'll sign for it." 

There was no more hesitation; even the woman who'd been talking to Jack disappeared with the same sort of speed Rose remembered from when the fire-sprinklers had all gone off at Henrik's and everyone got to go home early. Even aliens liked being able to skive off, it seemed. 

"You might have made yourself useful," the Doctor said as Jack rejoined them. 

Jack grinned. "I had our ID papers, at least. Besides, I thought you'd rather let Rose hold your screwdriver for you." He winked--apparently just in case either of them had forgotten everything they'd ever known about him and thought he was actually talking about a real, not-a-metaphor-for-anything-else, screwdriver. 

The Doctor just grinned back at him, leaving it to Rose to elbow Jack in the side--just hard enough to make her point.

"Are you telling me you want _me_ to do it?" Jack asked, still grinning at her. 

Rose just shook her head. "So we're leaving, just like that, Doctor?"

"Your ship won't be able to take off for a while yet," Sherra said. She seemed to have thawed slightly toward them now that they'd saved her plant from--whatever was going to happen. Explosion, Rose thought, or everyone getting radiation poisoning. Something nasty like that. She hoped it was an explosion; the anti-radiation drugs in the TARDIS made her dizzy for hours. 

"Why not?" Rose asked. "Everything's in order. We're just here to, um, do our job and leave."

"The storm won't be ending for another few hours, at the very least, and the spaceport won't reopen until the winds die down. Liftoff's very dangerous in weather like this," she said, looking at them in surprise. "Someone should have explained that to you when you landed." She shook her head. "I suppose they forgot. We don't get a lot of off-worlders up here; most of them won't venture out of the equatorial zone."

"Oh, we don't--" the Doctor began, only to be interrupted by Jack.

"We don't mind hanging around here for a little while," he said. "I know I'd be glad of a chance to get a hot meal and something to drink, and I bet Rose would too, wouldn't you?"

She hesitated for a moment, but she couldn't think of any reason why they _shouldn't_ stay. "Can we, Doctor?"

"I did promise you a chance to look around," he said. "Right, then, Director Sherra. My... assistants... want to get something to eat. Can you recommend somewhere?"

"There's quite a decent place not far from here," she said. "And the least I can do is buy you three a meal. I'd never have been able to stop that leak as quickly as you did."

"Lead on, then, Director," the Doctor said, making a sweeping gesture with one arm. 

They followed her out into the corridor--and not past the TARDIS, thankfully, as Rose was fairly certain that she'd notice a big blue box sitting in the middle of the hallway--and up some stairs to an enclosed walkway. "The entire city is connected with these," she said. "It's much more convenient during the stormy season." Rose looked through huge plexiglass windows; she could just barely make out the shapes of the nearby buildings through the howling snowstorm that had begun while they were in the control room and thought that "convenient" wasn't what she'd call it. Maybe they didn't mind the cold as much here, but that wind had to make it hard to get around outside. 

Sherra took them to what Rose assumed was her local; it didn't quite look like an Earth pub, but it was definitely pub-like: there was a bar, there were tables, there were people drinking, there was music coming from speakers on the wall, there was a group of women playing some sort of game over in the corner. 

In fact, she noticed as they sat down, there were women everywhere. She'd seen one bloke over at a table, but the rest of the customers seemed to be female. 

She waited until Sherra had gone off to order them something to eat and drink--the Doctor had suggested that she pick something she thought would appeal to offworlders--before she said something. "Is it me, or does it look like we're in an alien gay bar?" 

"Hm?" the Doctor said. There was a small dish of something on the table--Rose wasn't sure what, since they were green, but the Doctor was crunching them with evident enjoyment. 

She was about to repeat herself when Jack got up from his seat. "Excuse me," he said, "but I think someone's trying to get my attention." He went over to the bar and was soon deep in conversation with one of the women sitting there; Rose couldn't hear what he was saying, but she was fairly certain she knew the general gist of it already. She'd been the recipient of the patented Jack Harkness charm before, after all, and Jack was incorrigible.

"Never mind, I was wrong," Rose said, just as Sherra came back with their drinks. She sipped at hers gingerly; it tasted sort of herbal, but it wasn't bad. Definitely alcoholic, though--she could feel the burn at the back of her throat--and she made certain to drink it slowly. 

"You must have been all over the galaxy in your line of work," Sherra said, sipping her own drink. 

"A few places," Rose began, before realizing that no one was talking to her. 

"We travel a bit, yeah," the Doctor said. He hadn't touched his drink, which made Rose worry about her own. He'd have warned her if the native food and drink were dangerous, though, she thought. Maybe he just wasn't thirsty. 

"I've never been off-world," Sherra said, leaning forward a little. 

Rose glanced down at herself, just to make certain that the drink hadn't turned her invisible. No, she was still all there, watching some grey woman try to pull the Doctor. Of course, she could always turn her head and watch a _different_ grey woman flirting with Jack. That was a little less annoying; she was _used_ to that. But then another woman brought over their meals, and Rose had to turn her attention back to the table. 

The food was... she was going to say it was a sandwich. At least, there was a starchy something, and then some kind of filling that tasted sort of like fish, and sort of like turnip, and a little bit like mustard. "Go on, it's safe," the Doctor said, noticing that she'd only taken a tiny bite of it. 

It might have been safe, but it wasn't _good_. She didn't want to hear the Doctor going on about how he could take her home so she could eat beans on toast, though, _especially_ not with Alien Science Woman trying to monopolize his attention. She didn't want to seem like she'd never been farther away from home than Cardiff. Rose picked at the food; there was something on her plate that smelled a bit like pickled something, and she took a hesitant bite. It _was_ pickled something, and the vinegar taste covered up what the "something" was, so she decided it wasn't too bad. 

Sherra was asking a lot of questions about their travels, and the Doctor was busy enough sidestepping them that he didn't have a chance to eat his fish-turnip-mustard-whatever-it-was. That wasn't fair, Rose decided, and so, when Sherra asked, "Do you only inspect recycling plants, or is your work not that specialized?" she decided to help him out. 

"We're more sort of... general contractors," she said before the Doctor could answer. Sherra gave her a very human-looking jealous glare, and Rose smiled. "We pitch in wherever we're needed."

"We?" she said. "So you often work together?"

"Always," Rose said. "We're a team." She grinned over at the Doctor, quite pleased to see him grin back. He seemed to have reached the same opinion of the sandwich thing that she had, because he'd gone back to the green crunchy things in the bowl. 

Sherra's cheeks turned a deeper grey--more bluish, Rose thought, and maybe that was blushing? "I apologize," she said, rather stiffly. "I didn't realize that you were together." 

Quickly, Rose said, "We're not--Why does everyone always assume that we're--"

She stopped, just as quickly, because the piped-in background music was in the few seconds' lull between songs, and she could hear Jack's voice loud and clear over the other conversations in the pub, demanding, "What do you mean, _betrothed_?"

The Doctor choked a little, looking up at the same instant Rose did. The woman Jack had been flirting with--who was pretty enough by human standards, Rose thought, if you didn't mind that she was an alien, and Jack obviously didn't--was standing up now, her hands on her hips in what Rose was pretty sure was a universal sign that Jack was in deep trouble. "So you are making a mockery of our customs," she snapped. One of her feet had started to tap on the floor, too. You didn't have to be a galactic traveler to know that was a bad sign. All you needed was to have seen Shireen breaking up with one of her boyfriends. 

"Your customs? No, of course not," Jack said, his smile looking a bit less cool and confident now. "I just don't know--when exactly did I propose to you?"

The Doctor got out of his chair, taking a few steps closer to the bar, and Rose followed him. 

"We exchanged full names," the woman said. "What do you expect? We aren't related, so you must have been proposing marriage."

She had to give him credit; he was doing a fairly good job of hiding the panic. At least, she was guessing he was panicked; she couldn't imagine that Jack had suddenly realized that what he really wanted in life was to settle down and raise a lot of alien babies. Or half-alien babies, either. 

"I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding," he said, spreading his hands out in a placating gesture. "You're a very beautiful woman, and I've been having a good time, but I didn't intend to propose to you."

"Oh? Then what did you intend?" 

You had to give Jack ten out of ten for honesty, Rose thought. "That the two of us would have a very enjoyable evening, and tomorrow morning I'd go back to our ship, leaving us both with happy memories?" Though minus nine for being honest when it really wasn't a good idea. 

"What's the problem?" Rose asked Sherra. Someone had to do something, and right at the moment, the Doctor was looking awfully amused by the entire situation. "I mean, Jack's just--this place can't be all that uptight, there've been women all over him since we got here."

"We take our marriage customs very seriously," Sherra explained. "You may have noticed that the women here greatly outnumber the men?"

Rose nodded. 

"That's a planet-wide problem," she said. "About two hundred years ago, there was a war--a big one. There are parts of the southern hemisphere that won't be inhabitable for another century or more." 

"And?"

"Some of the chemical weapons used caused genetic mutations, and..." She paused. "I'm not a biologist, but from what we were taught at school, the mutations affect males more than females. There are roughly equal numbers of male and female babies born, but very few of the boys survive infancy."

Rose looked at the Doctor, not quite sure how to phrase _Does that make sense to you?_ without Sherra thinking that Rose was calling her a liar. 

He nodded without Rose having to say a word. "The mutations could have caused sex-linked genetic diseases," he said. "There are conditions like that on Earth--hemophilia, color-blindness...." 

"That still doesn't explain why Jack has to get married."

Sherra gave her a tight smile. "Apparently, in my great-grandmother's time, there were quite a few men who took advantage of their situation," she said. "It's all very well and good if both people agree, but when one party is expecting to bring her spouse into her family, and the other is intending to move on the next morning...." She shook her head. "So our marriage customs were turned into law. If marriage is proposed, then the marriage must take place, unless both parties agree to dissolve the contract."

"Or what? You'll stone him?"

"Of course not! What do you think we are, savages?"

The Doctor smiled at her. "Certainly not. I'm sure we can work all this out like sensible people...."

"There's a short prison term and a rather heavy fine."

"Prison? Oh no," Jack said. "I really _hate_ prison." 

Sherra gave Rose another smile, this one apologetic. "Until I realized that he was with you, I was hoping that the Doctor and I might reach a similar understanding," she said. "My grandmother won't stop complaining that I'm the last of my generation to find a husband." 

Jack's fiancée was nodding now, and saying, "So if you don't want to go to prison, you'll come home with me and let me introduce you to my aunt. She's the head of our family since my grandmother died last year..."

"Can't we talk about this?" Jack said. "A few drinks, a little conversation, and then maybe you'll realize that you don't want to marry me."

"Doctor, we have to do something," Rose murmured.

"It serves him right," the Doctor said, but then he leaned a bit closer, murmuring, "Whatever I do, just go along with it, all right?"

"What are you going to do?" 

"Just follow my lead," he said, still quietly, and then walked over to Jack. 

The Doctor had apparently done a bit of study of the Shireen-breaking-up-with-her-boyfriend school of body language himself, Rose thought, because the folded arms and the dirty looks he was giving Jack were classic. It really shouldn't surprise her, she thought; he could make himself more-or-less at home in so many different places that she ought to have known he was a decent actor. "You just can't stay out of trouble, can you?" 

Jack looked up at the Doctor; Rose thought she saw a fleeting expression of surprise, but then he just shrugged, giving the Doctor a winsome grin. "I can't help it. Trouble follows me around."

"Funny how it's always _this_ sort of trouble."

Jack's future wife looked up at the Doctor, frowning. "What business is it of yours?" 

Rose _thought_ she saw the Doctor wink at her, but she couldn't quite be certain. Whether he did or not, he kept a perfectly straight face while he said, "It's my business because this idiot here is with me."

Sherra nudged Rose. "Is that true? I thought you and the Doctor were--"

Rose had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from giggling. "What, us? I was telling you before all this happened that the Doctor and I are just friends," she said, hoping that Jack's crack about the sonic screwdriver hadn't translated well enough to make Sherra suspicious. 

"That's right," the Doctor said. "And I think we'd better be going now, before he gets himself engaged to half the planet." He took Jack's arm, tugging him off the barstool, and now Rose let herself grin. 

"You're in trouble now," she said to Jack as the Doctor dragged him past her. 

"I know. Think I'll get a spanking?" he said, and there was no doubt that _he_ was winking at her. 

"I'm not that gullible," the Doctor said. "Now come on." 

Rose followed after them, very proud of herself for not starting to giggle even when one of the women she recognized from the recycling plant said, "It's such a shame, isn't it? They're both rather good-looking, for off-worlders...." 

As soon as the pub doors closed behind them, the Doctor let go of Jack's arm. "I'm not sure how annoyed they're going to be at you for proposing bigamy," he said, holding up a hand to silence Jack's protests. "I suggest we get back to the TARDIS while they're still laughing, so we don't have to find out."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Jack said, heading down the walkway at a dead run. 

Rose was laughing too hard to keep up, even with the Doctor, who was running at a much slower pace than Jack. He reached back and caught her hand, and, still laughing, she let herself be pulled along after him.


End file.
